Death, it always comes too soon

The first fish I ever caught, with Grampa's help of course.














Well since I've spent most of the day crying anyway, I may as well write the post that's going to make me cry. Today my sister called me, and I could tell she had been crying. My first thought was that something happened between her and her fiance. But then she said "Grampa died this morning." I will forever remember this day as the first time I truly knew loss and grief.
I have counted myself lucky that though they are not always in the best of health, and though there have been some close calls, every family member that I have been close to was still with me except for my great gramma. But when she passed in 2004 she was 101, and we were prepared for her passing as she had been ill for some time. We had time to make peace and say goodbye. I couldnt make the funeral because it was in the middle of finals at college but my family told me it was a more happy occasion, a celebration of her life, for she had lived a long and full life, one worthy of celebration. This time its not such a happy occasion. This was too sudden. Even though his health had been declining for a couple of years he wasnt that ill, just old. I know that everyone must die but that doesnt make it any easier when its your own granpa. He was a wonderful man and I will miss him terribly. He liked to tell jokes and make people smile. He liked to buy everyone gag gifts at Christmas. Or silly games that we could all play. He was a fisherman. He was a war veteran. He was "Chuck the Windspinner Man."

When I called him to wish him a happy birthday last year he asked me how the rats were (I work with mice), how the research was going, and if I got along with my roommates. He told me that he thought my sister was too young to be thinking about marriage and how happy he was that I'd chosen to live a life on my own before I settled down. He told me to see the world, have a career and "sow my wild oates" before I got married. When I laughed that that was strange advice for a grandfather to give a granddaughter he brushed it off and said it was true, I would live a longer life than I ever expected and I didnt want to get to an age where I regretted not doing all the exciting things when I was young. The fact that he not only supported my decisions but encouraged them at a time when most of my relatives were asking me when I was going to "find a nice guy and settle down" meant everything to me.

This Christmas is going to be so hard without him. I didnt go home for thanksgiving and I had looked forward to seeing him at Christmas. I am so incredibly sad. I know in time it will get easier... But right now this pain in my gut, this knot in my throat, reminding me that something I loved has been lost forever, is horrible. Right now I hate that I am alone in Boston. I'll be taking a red-eye flight to Chicago on weds and back to Boston saturday, but before then I have to present my research at our yearly Gates Foundation meeting and I just hope I can muster enough concentration to get through the day on tuesday.
This week will be rough but I know I'll get through it somehow. Also, thanks to everyone who has already sent me good wishes of love and support - it means a lot.


Grampa, me, my sister, and my dad at Six Flags.